HaileyJade

haileyjade @ 2001-11-08T11:41:00

2001-11-08T18:45:23Z

Somebody help me...

haileyjade @ 2001-11-08T11:14:00

2001-11-08T18:43:44Z

K I JUST got out of the shower....literally, I'm sitting here in my towel, and I seem to do a lot of thinking in the shower and I realized something. There's no chance in hell Tim and I are getting back together anytime soon. When we talk about it and he says something like 'if you want to get back together then arlight' then it doesn't make me think he actually wants to, and wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship I didn't think he wanted to be in. SO the only way I would go back into a relationship was if I saw him in person and he told me, and I could actually tell by the look on his face that he still loved me and wanted something more then a close friendship with me. And I'm not going to sit around and wait for that to happen anymore. It's almost been a month and I've been sitting here waiting for him to call or tell me how much he loves me and how sorry he is and how much of a mistake this was, but it doesn't look like it's ever going to happen. I still love him as much as I did 2 months ago and still miss him, but I can't sit around waiting for a guy who doesn't want anything to do with me that way anytime soon. It's not fair for me, and I'm sure it doesn't make things to comfortable for him. I know what I have for him is real because since we've broken up I've had every oppourtunity to do something with my friend Jason that works at Toy's R Us, and I haven't taken it because of Tim. I went to the bar with him when the other Jason was in town, and we danced to the last two slow songs, and I had every chance to kiss him, and I didn't want to. I've always been the type of girl to take anything and everythin I could get, wether I had just gotten out of a relationship or not....which sounds bad on my end but it's true. I couldn't be alone, and still hate being alone but I figured if I had a chance with Tim still, I couldn't do anything...I'm not making any sense anymore, the only thing I wanted to say was that I know it's over for me and Tim, and even though I still think we had something great and that I screwed it up and now have nothing just like every other time, that I don't think we'll be getting back together...and that I know i have to move on and and sit here and dwell on the fact that I might not get another chance...oh god....I hate this so much....

haileyjade @ 2001-11-05T16:51:00

2001-11-06T00:14:26Z

Well....I was just in the shower...trying to make myself feel better and to try and get rid of a horrible headache I had when I started thinking...and I guess you could say I had a change of heart. My parents keep telling me that I need to grow up and act my age and start taking care of myself, and well that's what I'm going to start doing. Everything I've done I've done it to make THEM happy and it never seems to work so I'm not going to do it anymore. Whatever I do is for me and to make myself happy not them, and if they don't like it well that's there problem because I'm the one living my life and I'm going to be the one to take control of it and do what I want. I talk to SO many of my friends who are now 18 and older, and who don't have all these rules or restrictions as I've come to see them. They can come and go as they please, and do whatever the hell they like where as I can do nothing without consulting the parentals. <--(my new word) I've been told I have no confidence and I can see why now...I've never once had support...or atleast the kind of support I need when it comes to things. They tell me that I have potential and can do things if I put my mind to it but in my mind I can't see myself being able to do it and that's because I hear how much of a screw up I am and how bad I'm ruining my life. And the only time I hear how much potential I have is when I've screwed up and there trying to tell me I can do things....if that makes sense. Well I'm not doing things anymore for them and to show them I can, I'm doing it for myself and if they don't like it then tough shit. I lived on my own for a year and a half before, I know I can do it, and know all the things it takes to be able to do it, yet to them it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Ya I made ONE mistake and it may have been a big one but honestly I don't regrett it at all. My whole life has been about making other people happy, and now I'm going to start doing the things that make me happy. And when I move out I can and will be taking my computer, I've now paid for my schooling so I will be taking it with me to finish it. I know when the time comes they won't understand and they'll be pissed off at me and probably won't talk to me for another year just like last time, but it's something I need to do. I need to figure out what I want in life, and to be able to have confidence in myself that I can do whatever I put my mind too without them standing there making me or telling me every two seconds how bad I've screwed up.

haileyjade @ 2001-10-28T20:54:00

2001-10-29T04:00:07Z

Anyone else get as sad and as pathetic as me and go and buy yourself a litre of icecream for yourself?? I'm in a mood as you can tell and went and bouught myself a litre of icecream and I'm eating it straight out of the cantanier....I'm the worst. =(

haileyjade @ 2001-10-28T20:06:00

2001-10-29T03:19:38Z

Oh god....I just read my last few enteries and they almost made me cry...
As of Tuesday Tim and I are no longer together....and it still hurts as much as the first day...I'm starting to figure out that there's a whole lot more to this break up then I realized...that this wasn't ALL my fault...everytime I talk to him, something else comes up that Tim's found wrong with our relationship or more reasons why we shouldn't get back together...I don't think I made him as happy as he said I did...if I did then we wouldn't have broke up so easily and he wouldn't be finding more and more things...I know I wasn't the best girlfriend, but I tried, even though no one may believe that...with Ian I didn't try, I followed, and begged him to stay every time we had a fight and he wanted to go. Well this time I may still be doing the same thing, just not the same way...I gave 100% to Tim...and that's the last time I do that with anyone...it didn't make our relationship any better and we still both got hurt in the end...maybe I was his rebound girl, and neither of us saw it. I don't know what to think anymore...I can't keep going through this kind of pain though....I just want this all to be over and for me to be happy with every aspect in my life, and have everyone that's in my life happy with me. I can't make anyone happy and all I do is screw things up one way or another. I'm going to get icecream and to make myself fat so no guy will even look at me twice...why do things have to be so complicated?? Why can't this be easy and everyone be happy...*sigh* I hate this so much!!!!

haileyjade @ 2001-10-28T20:06:00

2001-10-29T03:19:34Z

haileyjade @ 2001-10-22T15:09:00

2001-10-22T22:18:19Z

Things have to change...I have to change...if I don't I'm going to lose all that's important to me...why do I always do this...once again I've done what I do best...fucked things up....

haileyjade @ 2001-10-20T23:54:00

2001-10-21T07:04:32Z

I'm sad and pathetic...i almost cried today while telling my mom about not getting my assistant manager's position. *sigh* Whatever...no one seems to understand how hard I've worked for this and what i've put up with for this friggen job.....fuck !

haileyjade @ 2001-10-17T13:36:00

2001-10-17T20:42:08Z

Well once again I worried myself sick over nothing. Everything is fine, though my only beef is the lack of sorries and the ones I give out when I shouldn't be....though I don't think that will ever change...*sigh* what can ya do?

haileyjade @ 2001-10-17T11:51:00

2001-10-17T18:59:45Z

I've been listening to Blink 182 die hard latley, and I realized today that if you listen to there words they make a lot of sense and relate to the way I've been feeling latley. Dude Ranch is there best CD from what I can tell....anyways just thought I'd say that....and let you see some of there lyrics that are gooders. ;)

---Untitled

I think of awhile ago
We might have had it all
But I was so stupid then
You needed time to grow

But now just as things change
As well my feelings do
In time things rearrange
I am so sick of chasing you

But what do I get 'cause I just seem to lose
You make me regret those times I spent with you
And playing those games as I wait for your call
And now I give up, so goodbye and so long

---Damnit

It's alright / to tell me / what you think / about me
I won't try / to argue / or hold it / against you
I know that / you're leaving / you must have / your reasons
The season / is calling / and your pictures / are falling down

And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up

---Waggy

I'm trying
To be what you want me to be
But it's so damn hard to keep playing the part
Of the fool, week after week

I think you need some time alone (I think you need some time alone)
You say you want someone to call your own
Open your eyes, you can suck in your pride
You can live your life all on your own

Is this all going to be just another time
That we play this game?
I've tried to convince you that things could be different
But somehow they end up the same

But what
Did you expect from me? What am I supposed to do?
You say that you're starting to feel like you're getting lost
Well, I do, too

If you don't have the CD I suggest buying it.

haileyjade @ 2001-10-16T23:33:00

2001-10-17T06:38:40Z

Well....for being 5 months it's been a hell of a day...I'm not letting myself cry....and have no idea what the fuck is on...I'ma little tipsy right now and am sick of being the blind niave one....I fuckin hate this bs....it won't happen anymore...

haileyjade @ 2001-10-08T22:32:00

2001-10-09T05:36:25Z

I was just looking through my LJ....and realized that no one actually reads this and cares....so why do I update it?

haileyjade @ 2001-10-08T22:10:00

2001-10-09T05:31:25Z

I'm not happy in the least....I'm....mad, frustrated, hurt, annoyed....I'm so many things I don't know if I should cry or yell. I don't even know who I'm mad at.....myself, Tim, Ryan, my parents,my work.....or maybe it's all of them. I'm sick of people not being able to trust people because of the stupidet things. Do people not realize how important trust is, and how it can make or break any realationship? Or maybe it just everyone has to learn the hard way....like I did.

haileyjade @ 2001-06-26T11:23:00

2001-06-26T20:03:38Z

Well tomorrow I'm officially done school. It'll be SO nice and then hopefully I'll only have one more semester to take and I'll be done! I was thinking I might take a few courses over the summer if I can. Cuz I'm going to need to take Physics 30 over again which is fine with me but my parents on the other hand...
I've had a week and a half off of work which has been nice and stress free which is even better. I go back tomorrow after my exam and then I work thursday and then friday I go up to Edmonton. I'm pretty stoked about it. Hopefully things will be okay between Ryan and Jen. I have to take my computer back tomorrow which is not cool. I think I'm going to go through withdrawls but I'm going to try and work my magic on my dad and see if he'll get me one. Anyways I gotta go do some shit so see ya.

Does anyone actually read this??

2001-06-20T00:28:09Z

I've had a really productive day considering the slacker that I am. I've had a lot of things running through my head latley and not all of them good. I have some really good people involved in my life right now which helps. I dunno maybe it's all this time off work that gives me time to think...I miss a lot of things right now but am also very glad that there not in my life too....I'm just really confused about life I guess....

I'm Free!!

2001-06-13T18:31:52Z

Last nihght after all was said and done was actually a good night for me. I had a talk with Tim and kinda upset him but it made me realize a lot of things. I went through my box of Ian's stuff I had under my bed and got rid of it all. It was sad really how blind I was. If you have to convince and beg someone to stay with you there really not worth it. I kinda learnt that before but even more so now. I was kinda nervous doing it last night cuz I thought I might regrett it and someday want some of those things back, but I'm glad I did it cuz I feel free from him and his shit now...
This Sunday is father's day and it's not going to be a good day for my cousin's. I wish I could help more but I don't know how...I'm taking my cousin out on Saturday for lunch and then we're going shopping so maybe that'll help with the stuff she's going through right now. I was scared to do anything with her cuz I don't want to get close to her and lose her but then I realized that if I don't than I'll probably regret it my whole life. I should call my brother and talk to him, cuz I want a real relationship with him, and last time I talked to him he was going through a lot of the same things I was at his age...so maybe I can help and by doing that become closer to him. I guess when something tragic happens within the family you gain a new view on things...

I feel like Jamie's avoding me, and I know he's going to read this but oh well. We kinda got into another arguement the other night and he said that he feels like I don't need him anymore which I think is bull shit and he knows it. If It wasn't for him I wouldn't be here today. Hun you've helped me through a lot in my life and you know me better than anyone right now. I'm always going to need you in my life, your my bestfriend and have been there for me through every stupid thing I've done, and for us to make it this far and you just throw it out the window like this hurts. I haven't talked to you in two days and it doesn't feel good. As soon as I came on ICQ you left and the day before that you were on for a long time and then just left without saying one word to me. It hurts, and if your not doing it on purpose well than I'm sorry but I'm finding that hard to believe. To be honest, if your going to throw what we have out the window at a drop of a hat well than I'm not going to try and convince you cuz if you can't see what we have than your not as good as a friend as I thought you were.

haileyjade @ 2001-06-12T20:06:00

2001-06-13T03:06:17Z

I was going to write in here earlier cuz I could think of things to say but now I've got nothing! Went shopping today before work and bought a skirt, a halter top, and a shirt all for $30 so I was happy with that. Plus I went shopping last night too and bout a CD, glasses and fake nails...yups...oh and a wallet. I've been having stupid 'family' problems and it's going to make me go crazy I swear!! I called my Aunt today and asked her if I could take Tanis out this weeked, so we're going out for lunch and going shopping on Saturday so hopefully it'll help. I dunno what else to do...

I have all of next week off for exams and shit but I'm pretty scared...I have to write 2 diplomas and I have a feeling I'm going to fail my Physics =(

Meh just realized Sunday is Father's Day =(

haileyjade @ 2001-06-12T19:03:00

2001-06-13T03:02:12Z

haileyjade @ 2001-06-06T14:58:00

2001-06-06T22:18:22Z

I've had a great day so far even considering that my parents came home today and that I went and got my blood work done all by myself for the first time ever!! I woke up to the annoying ring of the phone but when I answered it was very happy to hear who it was. It made my day =) Then I went to work and had to stay till 2 till my manager for there which was only an extra half hour so it wasn't to bad. Then I came home did the dishes and my parents showed up, so I talked to them for awhile then I went and got my blood work done. And now I'm listenin to my CD's I finally got in the mail. My parents left sometime while I was gone and I don't know where they went but whatever it's all good, I have my chips and icecream to tide me over till supper. I went and bought them last night while I was going throw my many emotions of being mad and sad and hurt and probably looked like hell when I went and bought them cuz the cashier asked me if I was okay and told me that things would get better though I probably gave it away when I asked her for a spoon for my litre of icecream I bought...I was pretty chocked about everything that happened last night but I think I've got it figured out but I could be totally way off track but either way I've learned alot about the whole thing and know who I can trust and who I can't trust....I was pretty upset about it last night and was cryin on the phone to Jamie about it all...I was just hurt cuz I thought things were looking up for me for a change, and that I had actually made some real friends I could count on....you know? I don't see why people have to be so stupid and immature about everything though. There's days I wish I could just kick everyone and tell them to grow up or go to hell....I don't see how any of this was their bussiness and if they did feel they needed to protect Tim they still coulda came to me to see if what they heard was true or not!! K anyways I gotta stop venting or I'm going to get pissed off again...I've been having stupid joint problems today....it hasn't happened in a long time but my ankles, knees, wrists and elbow's all hurt...it's not to fun. I don't have to work tomorrow which is good cuz I haven't done a thing for school this week and still have to do English from last week, and I'm suppose to write a Physics test tomorrow but don't even know what the hell it's on!! I'm SO screwed!!!! But I should go do some English.

haileyjade @ 2001-05-31T11:25:00

2001-05-31T18:43:45Z

Well amazingly enough I'm having a good day, and thought I'd share it with the two people who actually read this. I almost slept in today which woulda sucked, cuz I had a doctor's appoinment today at 10am, but had to go to the school this morning to see if I could get a bus pass but it was going to cost me $44!!! I shoulda told them to go to hell and stick there friggen $44 bus pass up there ass before I walked away! Heh anyways so I went to my doc's appointment, which wasn't exactly good,but I'm not diein yet so it's all good. Then came home and had some KD at like 10:30, but it was still good. I could live off of that stuff....oh wait...I already do! Then I had a nice long HOT shower, to make myself feel better, and now here I am. I think it's my shower, and my CD that's making me in such a good mood. I gotta get my homework done pretty soon, before my parents start nagging again. Grad's next weekend and Jami might be coming to town for it, so if she does that could be an interesting night, but I'm not to worried about it. I can handle her shit, and anyone else's, just cuz I AM the shit! ;) Work tried to call me in this morning, but I didn't answer, it'll be nice to actually have a day off. I feel kind of bad though cuz Des is trying to find a new place, cuz she's having problems with her Uncle, but still, my school has to come first. Whoa speak of the devil, she just called again! I have SO much to do, yet so little time and money...bah money...why does everything have to cost so much, especially when you work a stupid $6.25/hour job! Crap Crap and Crap again. heh anyways off to do some school work! Love ya all!!

Oh man!

2001-05-26T08:33:11Z

Well tonight has been an interesting night, well we could even go as far as saying that this has been an interesting week!! My night has been hell. Got a call from my ex who decided to tear a stip out of me for no reason at all....I haven't heard from him in like 2 months and out of the blue he decides to call me up and bitch me out, make me cry, and make me feel like shit! What's with men and being such assholes!! So I cry to Jamie for awhile, and he makes me feel better, which is normal. I realized while outside for a smoke that I never even called Bryan, whose suppose to be my bestfriend but went straight to Jamie instead...and even after realizing this I still did not call Bryan....I guess Bryan and I am drifting apart yet I seem to be fine with that for some reason. Could it be possibly because I have Jamie....I dunno...my night has been full of surprises. None of them good either :P I have to work tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to it, though I am looking forward to going fake and bakin tomorrow!! It's going to be SO relaxing, but I'm going to burn my ass which will suck :P Got paid last night at midnight so I went shopping today and bought girlie clothes for work. I love the skirt though, it's supper long, and has to slits on the sides. It's great, and it'll be nice and cool for the summer even. Anyways I think I'm off to bed seeing as I have to work tomorrow morning. Night all!

haileyjade @ 2001-05-21T22:20:00

2001-05-22T05:37:02Z

I'm having a crappy day today, even though it started out well. I've noticed that not a whole lot of my entries have been very happy, but I find that when I'm pissed off this helps. I'm not pissed off really today just kinda.....I dunno.

I had a great talk with Jamie the other night that was wonderful, it was personal, and sweet all in the same way. I went through a lot of feelings that night, but in the end it was all good. I had been getting scared that when he came to see me that he was expecting 'something' from me (sorry I never told you hun) but I dunno.

I watched Third Watch and Boston Public tonight cuz they were both season finale's and BP's wasn't as good as I thought it would be. It almost made me cry though. It was about grad and stuff like that and it just kinda hit me about how much I've screwed things up in my life and how scared I am of doing it again. I try to motivate myself but nothing seems to work...I dunno what's wrong with me. Tonight while watching tv I started missing Ian, and I hate being that vulnerable that I would miss a guy like that. I know that most of the time he treated me like shit, but I miss all the other things. *sigh* I dunno, this is why I hate being female, because I know he doesn't even think about me and I wish I could move on like that.

I've been doing a lot of thinking when it comes to my future, and the scary thing is, is that I don't see one for me. I can't even picture myself graduating, cuz I'm pretty sure I'll screw that up too. I mean my last physics test I got 29% on it when I had a 80% average in it.

I'm scared of myself, that's what it is....

Cyber School Soap Opera's

2001-05-19T23:39:42Z

Yup that's what all this is. It's sad really but when I read all this shit about me I almost told them all to fuck right off but decided to leave it alone. I guess it doesn't take much to find out who your real friends are in life. I mean their mad at ME cuz my ex broke up with me. HE did it not me, yet their mad at me?! It's retarded really, and it's none of their business anyways. If I thought it should have been I would have told them. The thing is that I know if I were to tell them why he broke up with me they would understand but I don't feel like I need to tell them everything in my past just so they will be my friend again. If they were true friends they wouldn't need to know. Make any sense at all?? Well my parents are out of town as I have said earlier, and my first night was kinda creepy but I enjoy having the house and car to myself, and being able to do my thing when I want to and know that even though I still have other things to do I will still get them down without them nagging me about it. Michelle's pissing the hell out of me calling me every friggen 5 minutes, trying to get me to be her taxi and drive her everywhere. I mean she can be fun but it really takes a toll on you when you have someone calling every 5 minutes asking you what your doing and asking why I wouldn't answer the phone and shit like that! I just got back from getting my meningitas shot. I was a big baby and made Am come with me, and they laid me down on a stretcher so I wouldn't pass out and gave me juice. I didn't even feel a thing!! I was like laughing at myself cuz I was such a baby. So I got up and left and took my free cookies! =) So that was the highlight of my day. I'm going to go get my Relgious Studies movies tonight, and maybe get some new realses if they have any I want to see. Anyways Hi to my Cecil hun! =) And Jamie dear, I love ya even though I bitch at you lots ;)

haileyjade @ 2001-05-17T22:19:00

2001-05-18T05:28:17Z

Well I've fixed my POS computer but I lost EVERYTHING which kinda pisses me off. But ah well not much I can do about it. It's been a shitty week and I'm sick of stupid people...On a nicer note though, my parents are going out of town for the weekend, and I have the whole weekend off from week, so that'll be nice. My computer is crapping out again though so I gotta go!

haileyjade @ 2001-05-16T20:35:00

2001-05-17T02:38:55Z

Well my day has been shitty. Not to happy, and I have a feelings it's only going to get worse. Like my 3 posts all of the same thing? Once again when it tells me to do something, I do exactly the opposite! I have a nack for doing the wrong things. My computer is still crapped out, I have to take it in to get fixed which should be interesting to see how I'll get it there. I was pretty pissed off last night after my last post (or should I say last 3!!) but now I've decided that it doesn't matter anymore. People need to vent even if it is about me and my ways. And all the things I seem to talk about, but hey, I guess I'm not all he had made me out to be, which I tried to warn him about but he still doesn't get it. Anyways whatever. Work was shit, my whole day was just shit. I yelled at my mom today, which is a first for me....major sign things are all downhill for me and my life once again. My mom's trying to set a friggen bed-time curfew for me, not likley!! I'm 18, I'm suppose to be able to make my own choices, right? Not in this friggen house, now I see why I moved out...this is hell...and I'm depressed, and life just sucks today. I did have one bright note today, which was I got pictures of Brendan! Though I asked my parents if they wanted to see them, but they didn't seem to happy that I had asked for them. I'm having friggen stupid problems with my friends right now, where they all think I'm trying to steal Ryan away from Jen, which is bull shit really. Ryan's happy with her, and even though she's pissed at me I would never want to hurt her. Then there's the whole friggen thing with Tim and Jami. The part that bugs me the most is that I seem to be the cause of all these stupid problems. I'm sick of this, and I'm sick of people blaming shit on me when it's not my fault, or something I can't control. I hate being at the centre of people's life, and I feel like I am, and it's bringing me down, because they get down because of me, and it's just stupid shit and I'm sick of it all. Maybe I'll become a hermit for the rest of my life, and just update my LJ once a month so atleast that way someone will know I'm still alive...ah well I'm off to do 'English'