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Thursday, November 8th, 2001
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11:41 am
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11:14 am
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K I JUST got out of the shower....literally, I'm sitting here in my towel, and I seem to do a lot of thinking in the shower and I realized something. There's no chance in hell Tim and I are getting back together anytime soon. When we talk about it and he says something like 'if you want to get back together then arlight' then it doesn't make me think he actually wants to, and wouldn't feel comfortable in a relationship I didn't think he wanted to be in. SO the only way I would go back into a relationship was if I saw him in person and he told me, and I could actually tell by the look on his face that he still loved me and wanted something more then a close friendship with me. And I'm not going to sit around and wait for that to happen anymore. It's almost been a month and I've been sitting here waiting for him to call or tell me how much he loves me and how sorry he is and how much of a mistake this was, but it doesn't look like it's ever going to happen. I still love him as much as I did 2 months ago and still miss him, but I can't sit around waiting for a guy who doesn't want anything to do with me that way anytime soon. It's not fair for me, and I'm sure it doesn't make things to comfortable for him. I know what I have for him is real because since we've broken up I've had every oppourtunity to do something with my friend Jason that works at Toy's R Us, and I haven't taken it because of Tim. I went to the bar with him when the other Jason was in town, and we danced to the last two slow songs, and I had every chance to kiss him, and I didn't want to. I've always been the type of girl to take anything and everythin I could get, wether I had just gotten out of a relationship or not....which sounds bad on my end but it's true. I couldn't be alone, and still hate being alone but I figured if I had a chance with Tim still, I couldn't do anything...I'm not making any sense anymore, the only thing I wanted to say was that I know it's over for me and Tim, and even though I still think we had something great and that I screwed it up and now have nothing just like every other time, that I don't think we'll be getting back together...and that I know i have to move on and and sit here and dwell on the fact that I might not get another chance...oh god....I hate this so much....
current mood: MEH!
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| Monday, November 5th, 2001
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4:51 pm
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Well....I was just in the shower...trying to make myself feel better and to try and get rid of a horrible headache I had when I started thinking...and I guess you could say I had a change of heart. My parents keep telling me that I need to grow up and act my age and start taking care of myself, and well that's what I'm going to start doing. Everything I've done I've done it to make THEM happy and it never seems to work so I'm not going to do it anymore. Whatever I do is for me and to make myself happy not them, and if they don't like it well that's there problem because I'm the one living my life and I'm going to be the one to take control of it and do what I want. I talk to SO many of my friends who are now 18 and older, and who don't have all these rules or restrictions as I've come to see them. They can come and go as they please, and do whatever the hell they like where as I can do nothing without consulting the parentals. <--(my new word) I've been told I have no confidence and I can see why now...I've never once had support...or atleast the kind of support I need when it comes to things. They tell me that I have potential and can do things if I put my mind to it but in my mind I can't see myself being able to do it and that's because I hear how much of a screw up I am and how bad I'm ruining my life. And the only time I hear how much potential I have is when I've screwed up and there trying to tell me I can do things....if that makes sense. Well I'm not doing things anymore for them and to show them I can, I'm doing it for myself and if they don't like it then tough shit. I lived on my own for a year and a half before, I know I can do it, and know all the things it takes to be able to do it, yet to them it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Ya I made ONE mistake and it may have been a big one but honestly I don't regrett it at all. My whole life has been about making other people happy, and now I'm going to start doing the things that make me happy. And when I move out I can and will be taking my computer, I've now paid for my schooling so I will be taking it with me to finish it. I know when the time comes they won't understand and they'll be pissed off at me and probably won't talk to me for another year just like last time, but it's something I need to do. I need to figure out what I want in life, and to be able to have confidence in myself that I can do whatever I put my mind too without them standing there making me or telling me every two seconds how bad I've screwed up.
current mood:  refreshed
current music: The Offspring
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| Sunday, October 28th, 2001
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8:54 pm
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Anyone else get as sad and as pathetic as me and go and buy yourself a litre of icecream for yourself?? I'm in a mood as you can tell and went and bouught myself a litre of icecream and I'm eating it straight out of the cantanier....I'm the worst. =(
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8:06 pm
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Oh god....I just read my last few enteries and they almost made me cry...
As of Tuesday Tim and I are no longer together....and it still hurts as much as the first day...I'm starting to figure out that there's a whole lot more to this break up then I realized...that this wasn't ALL my fault...everytime I talk to him, something else comes up that Tim's found wrong with our relationship or more reasons why we shouldn't get back together...I don't think I made him as happy as he said I did...if I did then we wouldn't have broke up so easily and he wouldn't be finding more and more things...I know I wasn't the best girlfriend, but I tried, even though no one may believe that...with Ian I didn't try, I followed, and begged him to stay every time we had a fight and he wanted to go. Well this time I may still be doing the same thing, just not the same way...I gave 100% to Tim...and that's the last time I do that with anyone...it didn't make our relationship any better and we still both got hurt in the end...maybe I was his rebound girl, and neither of us saw it. I don't know what to think anymore...I can't keep going through this kind of pain though....I just want this all to be over and for me to be happy with every aspect in my life, and have everyone that's in my life happy with me. I can't make anyone happy and all I do is screw things up one way or another. I'm going to get icecream and to make myself fat so no guy will even look at me twice...why do things have to be so complicated?? Why can't this be easy and everyone be happy...*sigh* I hate this so much!!!!
current mood:  drained
current music: Alicia Keys - Fallin
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8:06 pm
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Oh god....I just read my last few enteries and they almost made me cry...
As of Tuesday Tim and I are no longer together....and it still hurts as much as the first day...I'm starting to figure out that there's a whole lot more to this break up then I realized...that this wasn't ALL my fault...everytime I talk to him, something else comes up that Tim's found wrong with our relationship or more reasons why we shouldn't get back together...I don't think I made him as happy as he said I did...if I did then we wouldn't have broke up so easily and he wouldn't be finding more and more things...I know I wasn't the best girlfriend, but I tried, even though no one may believe that...with Ian I didn't try, I followed, and begged him to stay every time we had a fight and he wanted to go. Well this time I may still be doing the same thing, just not the same way...I gave 100% to Tim...and that's the last time I do that with anyone...it didn't make our relationship any better and we still both got hurt in the end...maybe I was his rebound girl, and neither of us saw it. I don't know what to think anymore...I can't keep going through this kind of pain though....I just want this all to be over and for me to be happy with every aspect in my life, and have everyone that's in my life happy with me. I can't make anyone happy and all I do is screw things up one way or another. I'm going to get icecream and to make myself fat so no guy will even look at me twice...why do things have to be so complicated?? Why can't this be easy and everyone be happy...*sigh* I hate this so much!!!!
current mood: drained
current music: Alicia Keys - Fallin
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| Tuesday, October 23rd, 2001
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1:55 pm
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*sigh* I don't kow where to start....I got an e-mail from Tim...it wasn't anything bad..it pretty much told me that I had to decide what was going on between us...he told me to think about it, and not to reply right away and to actually take time and think about it...so that's what I'm here doing...in it he says that him and Shevy aren't even that close, yet when something bad happens, she turns to him for comfort, and when I'm on the phone talking to him, he's on the computer talking to her. I could careless if he talked to her, but when she's taking his time away from me, and he's preoccupied with her instead of me, am I not suppose to be hurt over that? Oneof his lines in the e-mail say 'the second problem is shevy, and nat, and manda, and girls like them' well 'girls like them' are the ones who slept with his bestfriend and stole his virginity, one who gave him and another guy head, and another who's offered to go up there and do both of those. If the girls he talked to had some self respect, morals and a normal train of thought it wouldn't bother me so much. I almost broke up with him last night...all because of some other chick...because she was taking time away from me...is that right? I'm so lost and confused now...when we first started going out, it was so easy, and everything just seemed right...but maybe it was to easy...I had to take the bus today and on the way home I thought about all of this....wondering if his e-mail was one telling me it was over...and I would go through phases where I would tell myself that if he did I would be fine, and that I could find someone here....and then I thought of all the talks we had, all the times we spent together....the way he smiled at me....how much he made me feel loved, and how he would drop everythign for me....and I couldn't think of a reason to break up with him...I couldn't picture him not in my life...not having him there when I needed someone, not being able to hug him and kiss him...but you know what...he doesn't drop everything for me anymore...when I called him last night with things to talk to him about he was talking to Shevy still on the computer...ya I look at these chicks as competion but who wouldn't when they would suck off any guy with a dick...every guy I've gone out with would take the opporunity...I've made him feel like a horrible boyfriend...and I don't think he is. I'm a needy kind of girl who needs lots of love and attention to be happy...maybe to much, which is probably why none of my relationships have been good ones...have i been expecting to much from him? been to needy? I don't know where to start in replying to his message...i don't know what I want, and if it's just me wanting to feel loved....if that makes sense...something has to change on both our ends if we want to stay together...and I don't know if he's willing to do that..Jamie got mad at me last night and said he hates when I put my tough girl, superwoman act...I didn't think I could pull that off anymore...and even though he hates it, it made me happy that I still had it in me to be able to pull my shit together and act like the 'i don't need anyone' kinda girl...why depend on anyone when they all turn your back on you anyways?
current mood:  confused
current music: Five For Fighting - Superman
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| Monday, October 22nd, 2001
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3:09 pm
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Things have to change...I have to change...if I don't I'm going to lose all that's important to me...why do I always do this...once again I've done what I do best...fucked things up....
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| Saturday, October 20th, 2001
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11:54 pm
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I'm sad and pathetic...i almost cried today while telling my mom about not getting my assistant manager's position. *sigh* Whatever...no one seems to understand how hard I've worked for this and what i've put up with for this friggen job.....fuck !
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| Wednesday, October 17th, 2001
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1:36 pm
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Well once again I worried myself sick over nothing. Everything is fine, though my only beef is the lack of sorries and the ones I give out when I shouldn't be....though I don't think that will ever change...*sigh* what can ya do?
current mood: indifferent
current music: Sum 41 - Fat Lip
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11:51 am
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I've been listening to Blink 182 die hard latley, and I realized today that if you listen to there words they make a lot of sense and relate to the way I've been feeling latley. Dude Ranch is there best CD from what I can tell....anyways just thought I'd say that....and let you see some of there lyrics that are gooders. ;)
---Untitled
I think of awhile ago
We might have had it all
But I was so stupid then
You needed time to grow
But now just as things change
As well my feelings do
In time things rearrange
I am so sick of chasing you
But what do I get 'cause I just seem to lose
You make me regret those times I spent with you
And playing those games as I wait for your call
And now I give up, so goodbye and so long
---Damnit
It's alright / to tell me / what you think / about me
I won't try / to argue / or hold it / against you
I know that / you're leaving / you must have / your reasons
The season / is calling / and your pictures / are falling down
And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan
But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up
---Waggy
I'm trying
To be what you want me to be
But it's so damn hard to keep playing the part
Of the fool, week after week
I think you need some time alone (I think you need some time alone)
You say you want someone to call your own
Open your eyes, you can suck in your pride
You can live your life all on your own
Is this all going to be just another time
That we play this game?
I've tried to convince you that things could be different
But somehow they end up the same
But what
Did you expect from me? What am I supposed to do?
You say that you're starting to feel like you're getting lost
Well, I do, too
If you don't have the CD I suggest buying it.
current mood:  blah
current music: Blink 182 - Dude Ranch
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9:25 am - *sigh* men...
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Well.....I'm not sure what to think, and I'm trying not to think of anything until I actually talk to him, but it's not as easy as I thought. I keep telling myself that if something were to happen between us I know I'd be okay and just move on, which is true but I'd still be heartbroken. I thought Ian was the one but that was out of stupidity and total dependance of a lonely pregnant girl...with Tim it's different....what I feel for him is something like nothing before. I've thought about leaving him so many times, but I have no reason to except that I'm still scared, which doesn't give our relationship a fair chance if I did. Am I being blind again....maybe he's right about this all and that I should never have gotten so attached with in the first 5 months....maybe I'm just setting myself up for failure again. Is it possible to care to much...maybe that's what my problem is...maybe if I didn't care so god damn much I wouldn't be scared shitless everytime something happened between us. Maybe he's not the one and I'm just hoping he is because I'm sick of getting my heart broken time and time again by the ones closest to me. If I think he's the one and he doesn't, does that mean he's not or that he just can't see it yet.....he confuses me so much when it comes to that...one mintue he'll be telling me he can picture us together when we're 40 and another he's telling me that we don't know what's going to happen in 2 years cuz things change so fast and easily, and that people are unpredictable. *sigh* I don't NEED him in my life to feel loved, but I don't want to be without him if I don't have to be. If that makes sense...
I've been thinking alot about the person I am and what I've become and I've decided I'm changing who I am. I'm not relying on people to be there when I need them...no one ever is and no one will always be there for me so why rely on anyone but yourself? I'm not going to open up to people as much and when something is wrong I will turn to my writing, whether if it's here or my poems. Like Ryan said, it's the only thing that will never fail you. I'm going to distance myself to the people in my life...not so much that I'm not there friend anymore or the same Sam, but enough that if they were to leave me tomorrow I could careless. There are a few close friends that I would like to keep close but I won't be turning to them every time I'm sad or depressed, or anything...I have to learn how to depend on myself and be who I use to be when I was by myself with no one but myself to depend on. Everyone has left and/or turned there back on me at one point and I expect the same from everyone else and this will just save me the pain and anguis I went through last time with everyone else. Anyways....I'm just sick of settin myself up to be hurt. I still love you all, and am glad you are my friends. As for Tim well I'll wait and see what happens...he knows how I feel about him and what I would do for him.
"If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."
-Anon.
current mood: hopeful
current music: J'Lo - I'm Real (yes I know...I am a loser)
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| Tuesday, October 16th, 2001
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11:33 pm
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Well....for being 5 months it's been a hell of a day...I'm not letting myself cry....and have no idea what the fuck is on...I'ma little tipsy right now and am sick of being the blind niave one....I fuckin hate this bs....it won't happen anymore...
current mood:  drunk
current music: Nelly - Where the Party at?
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| Friday, October 12th, 2001
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10:40 am
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I dunno what's wrong with me latley....I've been depressed as hell and thinking to much about anything and everything...I dunno if it's this shot or if it's just me...I've been thinking a lot about life, Brendan, the person I am and how I don't deserve what I have right now...any of it. The friends I have, my boyfriend, my life...I just don't understand what I'm suppose to do with myself and my life or how to handle things anymore. I yelled at my mom and I never yell at her...and we haven't talked since then. Are things suppose to be this way or have I just screwed them up so bad that no one knows? I'm living my life like nothings changed but everything's changed and I'm not handling it the way I should be. I stop myself from crying, and tell myself that there's no reason to cry and that I'm not the crying type so keep it together and grow up. Why cry, it doesn't solve anything and in the end doens't help....you'll still be crying about it later. I haven't cried over big life things in a long time....months even....I just can't seem to let myself or even want to. I don't deserve to be living this normal teenage life that I'm living....I should be doing other things, I should be remembering what I did a year ago, and what came of it, and where he is now...things hsould be different, I shouldn't feel like nothing happened....I should....fuck i don't even know what I should be doing....I'm fucking everything up and I'm going to breakdown on of these days and screw things up even more....everyone expects me to screw up....even my own boyfriend...that's why he doesn't trust me 100%....everyone else has let him down so why wouldn't I? I let everyone down....I always have and I don't know how not to....is it that obvious to everyone that that's what I do best? Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself or maybe I'm lost with no where to go....who knows...who cares? What's our purpose here....do we even have one? Or are we here to screw things up and get hurt...I'm not making sense now but this is the kind of shit that swirls around in my brain all day and all night. I don't know what to feel or what to think anymore...I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing with my life, or hwo to handle the things that are going on in my life...I'm just so lost and confused and have.....nothing.....
current mood:  weird
current music: Blink 182
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| Monday, October 8th, 2001
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10:32 pm
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I was just looking through my LJ....and realized that no one actually reads this and cares....so why do I update it?
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10:10 pm
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I'm not happy in the least....I'm....mad, frustrated, hurt, annoyed....I'm so many things I don't know if I should cry or yell. I don't even know who I'm mad at.....myself, Tim, Ryan, my parents,my work.....or maybe it's all of them. I'm sick of people not being able to trust people because of the stupidet things. Do people not realize how important trust is, and how it can make or break any realationship? Or maybe it just everyone has to learn the hard way....like I did.
current mood:  annoyed
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| Tuesday, June 26th, 2001
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11:23 am
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Well tomorrow I'm officially done school. It'll be SO nice and then hopefully I'll only have one more semester to take and I'll be done! I was thinking I might take a few courses over the summer if I can. Cuz I'm going to need to take Physics 30 over again which is fine with me but my parents on the other hand...
I've had a week and a half off of work which has been nice and stress free which is even better. I go back tomorrow after my exam and then I work thursday and then friday I go up to Edmonton. I'm pretty stoked about it. Hopefully things will be okay between Ryan and Jen. I have to take my computer back tomorrow which is not cool. I think I'm going to go through withdrawls but I'm going to try and work my magic on my dad and see if he'll get me one. Anyways I gotta go do some shit so see ya.
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| Tuesday, June 19th, 2001
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5:21 pm - Does anyone actually read this??
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I've had a really productive day considering the slacker that I am. I've had a lot of things running through my head latley and not all of them good. I have some really good people involved in my life right now which helps. I dunno maybe it's all this time off work that gives me time to think...I miss a lot of things right now but am also very glad that there not in my life too....I'm just really confused about life I guess....
current mood:  hungry
current music: Southpark Soundtrack
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2001
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11:13 am - I'm Free!!
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Last nihght after all was said and done was actually a good night for me. I had a talk with Tim and kinda upset him but it made me realize a lot of things. I went through my box of Ian's stuff I had under my bed and got rid of it all. It was sad really how blind I was. If you have to convince and beg someone to stay with you there really not worth it. I kinda learnt that before but even more so now. I was kinda nervous doing it last night cuz I thought I might regrett it and someday want some of those things back, but I'm glad I did it cuz I feel free from him and his shit now...
This Sunday is father's day and it's not going to be a good day for my cousin's. I wish I could help more but I don't know how...I'm taking my cousin out on Saturday for lunch and then we're going shopping so maybe that'll help with the stuff she's going through right now. I was scared to do anything with her cuz I don't want to get close to her and lose her but then I realized that if I don't than I'll probably regret it my whole life. I should call my brother and talk to him, cuz I want a real relationship with him, and last time I talked to him he was going through a lot of the same things I was at his age...so maybe I can help and by doing that become closer to him. I guess when something tragic happens within the family you gain a new view on things...
I feel like Jamie's avoding me, and I know he's going to read this but oh well. We kinda got into another arguement the other night and he said that he feels like I don't need him anymore which I think is bull shit and he knows it. If It wasn't for him I wouldn't be here today. Hun you've helped me through a lot in my life and you know me better than anyone right now. I'm always going to need you in my life, your my bestfriend and have been there for me through every stupid thing I've done, and for us to make it this far and you just throw it out the window like this hurts. I haven't talked to you in two days and it doesn't feel good. As soon as I came on ICQ you left and the day before that you were on for a long time and then just left without saying one word to me. It hurts, and if your not doing it on purpose well than I'm sorry but I'm finding that hard to believe. To be honest, if your going to throw what we have out the window at a drop of a hat well than I'm not going to try and convince you cuz if you can't see what we have than your not as good as a friend as I thought you were.
current mood:  hyper
current music: Destiny's Child - Survivor
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| Tuesday, June 12th, 2001
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8:06 pm
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I was going to write in here earlier cuz I could think of things to say but now I've got nothing! Went shopping today before work and bought a skirt, a halter top, and a shirt all for $30 so I was happy with that. Plus I went shopping last night too and bout a CD, glasses and fake nails...yups...oh and a wallet. I've been having stupid 'family' problems and it's going to make me go crazy I swear!! I called my Aunt today and asked her if I could take Tanis out this weeked, so we're going out for lunch and going shopping on Saturday so hopefully it'll help. I dunno what else to do...
I have all of next week off for exams and shit but I'm pretty scared...I have to write 2 diplomas and I have a feeling I'm going to fail my Physics =(
Meh just realized Sunday is Father's Day =(
current mood: confused
current music: Destiny 's Child
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